Suicide Survivor

2003-05-19T15:49:00.000-05:00

Things are coming around. My siblings all seem to be at a starting point instead of a finishing point. Maybe we are finally starting to put our lives back together.

My soon to be eighteen year old daughter graduated from High School Friday night. I have really been re-evaluating my plans for the future. I've been working mom for 18 years now. I suddenly realize that I have to figure out what I want to do with my life again. My son only has four years left at home, what then?

Suddenly all these possibilities exist. Yet, it scares me!

2002-12-19T10:39:00.000-06:00

Just wanted to write a note saying we aren't really all that disfunctionable but then I think, well ya we are. But, we are a family. We hurt, we help and we gripe at and with each other but we never forget to Love each other. My parents weren't perfect but they taught us to love each other indescriminately through good and bad.

2002-12-19T10:32:00.000-06:00

I'm back again. The family get together went well (I think). Curt & JoAnn weren't able to come so I didn't get to see their girls. David and Crystal had an arguement before time to get together so David didn't come either. It was Becky, Sarah, Rissa, Spencer, Mandy, Josh, Crystal, Me, Rick, Dee, Jimmy, Mom & Dad. Ricky didn't call in from Virginia and we didn't hear from Mel & Jack either. Rick will probably call in at Christmas and mom & dad are going to Mel's the day after Christmas. Ben sent everyone his Senior picture. Man has he ever grown up to be a good-looking kid. Alex sent cookie mix in glass jars with a recipe on top. We haven't made ours yet but they sound really good. I think they were called sand castle cookies. Rick and Lucinda sent beautiful gifts as always. I always feel like a cheap skate when I get their presents. I send what I can afford but it just doesn't compare. I know they don't care. I really miss them alot. Mom really did a great job this year everyone made comments about how well they liked what she got them. She really put the effort into it, maybe she's starting to get the Christmas spirit again. Crystal made up sets for everyone, we each had a towel & washcloth and on top was something small that really picked out something personal about us. I got candles with mine one was "knowledge & education" the other was "children". Mandy had a little fairy with a little boy with it. Dee got a fairy. Mom got a beautiful silver candle holder & candle which you have to see to explain. Anyway we all felt she really personalized our gifts. She was in great spirits and she's had the same job for about a year and a half now & she says she really likes it. Did you know she's living with her mom now well actually Peggy is living in Crystal's house not the other way around? She's still raising her parents instead of them taking care of her. Can't help but love the kid. David's back is so bad that he trys to drink the pain away. I don't see him very often these days. Everytime I see him I try to convince him to have the back surgery he needs but I think he's terrified of the possibility of being paralized. The pain he's living with has already paralized his life. I sent Gary a Christmas card. The kids said they didn't want to acknowledge him but I told them he's still my brother so I just signed it Trish and went on. I still have to write him a long letter but not during the Holiday's. Mom says he's going to church some while he's locked up. Maybe God will find a way to reach him. I pray for him but I don't know what else to do. I can't really let him be part of our lives.

Anyway things are O.K. here. Money is tight as usual but God supplies what we need when we need it. I wonder sometimes how we manage to pay everything but it just happens somehow. We got Jimmy a pet Iguana for Christmas. Dee picked it up yesterday and brought it home. He loves it already. Maybe he'll take interest in something besides computer games, finally. We got Dee a cd player/stereo for her car. She only had an am radio before and the late night drives home from work were killing her without something to listen to. Now all I have to do is encourage Rick to actually install it. He's working seven days a week right now so it's hard for him to get much else done.

The kids are growing and life is still life. There are snow days and thunderstorms and grass and trees and homes and goodtimes and bad times and we keep on breathing and life goes on another day.

Love Ya

Trish

2002-12-17T12:27:00.000-06:00

Beth,

Our family gift exchange is tonight. I wish you could be there in your santa suit. I guess that would scare the hell out of everyone ... you being dead and all huh? O.K. so maybe you shouldn't be there in your santa suit but I miss you anyway! We'll all come together and try not to think about you all the while missing you just the same each in our own seperate way.

Curt has two, count them two daughters now. They are adorable, names are Jordan & Miranda.

Gotta go for a while, Christmas cards still need mailed and my opportunity to take them just walked in.
Be back later!

Love Ya!
Trish

2002-12-13T13:53:00.000-06:00

I think I'm going to write to my dead sister here for awhile .... Maybe it will help me to express my extreme emotions better. The thing is, three years after a suicide people really don't want to hear you whine about the emotional state of your family or yourself. We don't really even want to hear it from each other. So I think I'll force in on my invisible (non-existant) readers instead.

Dear Beth,

I miss you. The last time I saw you was Christmas. You bought that Santa suit and dressed up and played Santa for all the kids in the family. Curt & Crystal even sat on your lap (even though they are your age). You had cut your hair so short it was like a crew cut but it looked good on you. Your blue eyes and lightly freckled complexion became the center of attention when you came into the room. I know now that you probably thought we were all just saying we liked your hair but we really did. I never had a pretty enough face to pull off a hair style like that but you did and it truely made you shine! I told you I was so impressed by your working with the handicapped and I meant it! I have never had the patience it takes to work with the handicapped especially the severly handicapped like you were working with. Did you think I was just running my mouth? I really wasn't!

You came to see Rick & the kids while I was at work and left just as I got home. Why didn't you stay? I wanted to spend some time with you sooo badly that I got jealous when Rick said you and Mandy had been there a long time talking and he didn't really know what you guys had even been talking to him about. Did you tell him something that should have been a signal that you were going to kill yourself? Was he supposed to tell me something that you knew I would react to and come to help you? Why didn't you wait and talk to me, I'm your big sister you know?!?

I walked past you at mom and dad's sitting in the family room in a chair by the door. You were sulled up and I was just tired of there always being someone in our family sulled up. Funny, I knew then that I should have hugged you but I didn't. I don't know why but I didn't. Can't do it now huh?

Mandy pretty much destroyed her life after you died. She jumped into a bad relationship, married a guy she only new two weeks. They made a beautiful little boy, Joshua. She's finally recently gotten out of the relationship, (hopefully for good) and is working at Walmart. She's talking about saving up money and trying to go back to college. This ruined her life, you know. She may have fought with you but she depended on you! She told me just the other day that she just remembered telling you to go to hell when you told her you wanted to talk over Christmas. I guess that's a line she'll just have to live with, without you, huh?

It's amazing how angry I get sometimes. I don't want to be angry with you but I am. Why did you do this to us? Why did you throw away your life? I would have done anything for you if I'd only known how badly you needed me! Why didn't you give me a chance? I think I could have helped! Couldn't I?

Dee wants to go to college at Truman. It wasn't scary enough that she was leaving for college, now it's THE COLLEGE. I never went there to visit you and I should have, shouldn't I. Dee will probably get in and I will be happy for her but it will be years of guilt every time I go to see her there. It's not like I can not go, I mean well I didn't come see you and look what happened. Rissa breaks into tears just at the mention of Truman. She really was looking forward to coming up in the fall and living near/with you and going to school there. It really messed up her plans. She tried going to college elsewhere but it didn't work out. I think your death set her up to fail at college. You couldn't possibly have know how much damage this would do or you would never have even considered it. She's got a live in boyfriend now and they both say they are moving to Columbia in the Spring. Maybe she'll take some night classes and get her life back on track.

When I got to mom's after they told me you were dead Gary told me it should have been him. I told him not to say that. Since then he's gone to jail for molesting Tess. I wonder sometime if he wasn't right. I think, OK here's Beth, smart, pretty, never hurt anyone, she kills herself. Then there's Gary molesting little girls, ruining lives and not even able to understand how horrible his actions are and he's being kept in an isolated jail cell so that the other bad guys won't kill him. How screwed up is this world? Isn't there any logic to life?

Dad's riddled with guilt too you know. You certainly made him never forget losing it on you in high school and telling you if you were going to kill yourself just go ahead and do it. It would almost be funny punishing him for being such a jerk if he wasn't watching his favorite son also rot in jail after living up to the most indefencable accusations that I ever made. It's quite sad. I figure you'll see him before long. He has lost all will to live so he eats sugary crap all the time and pretty much sits around hoping his bad heart will give out and he'll die soon.

Mom and Beck polute your grave with so much flowers and crap that you would think that they are trying to buy your life back. I started to take things out there every now and then in the beginning but there is so much stuff there that it's just like being a kid again. My little bit of crap really doesn't matter in comparison, besides I know you are not there. It's just your rotting corpse not your spirit.

You know we all went with mom to pick our your funeral wear and casket and everything. Let me tell you, you should be very glad that you'll never have to experience that one. I still can't hardly stand to walk into a flower shop and a trip to Penney's now brings back visions of picking out funeral dresses and underclothes. It's something that I hope I'll never have to do again, all the while knowing that if I don't it will only mean that someone else is doing it for me.

Well, I love you and I miss you. Maybe I'll write more later?

Trish

2002-09-05T16:17:00.000-05:00

THE NECKLACE

On one end of the sparkling chain is a clasp and on the other end a toggle. The clasp longed for a bead to decorate their chain and cried to the toggle about the need for a bead. The day came that the owner of the chain added a new bead to the necklace. The clasp and the toggle were delighted with the bead. It was shiny and new and they were determined to remain strong and protect the new bead.

Time passed and the owner decided to add a second bead. The toggle told the clasp that this was great. The clasp would now hold tight and protect the first bead while the toggle would hold tight and protect the second. But the first bead wondered why a second bead was necessary, was it not shiny enough without it?

It was a great suprise to all of them when the owner very shortly thereafter added a third bead. This bead was different than the first two, though just as beautiful. The clasp and the toggle were both happy to support the third bead but the first bead had began to feel unimportant and the second to feel crowded by the beads on either side. Time passed and the beads adjusted to their new positions on the chain.

Just as they had become comfortable the owner placed a new bead on the chain. This new bead came with a small flaw. The clasp, the toggle and the other beads all feared that it may not be able to hang on to the chain. They all watched as the owner took the newest bead and worked on it so that it would be able to stay secured to the chain and not be lost. Time passed and eventually they all accepted that the repaired bead was ok and would not fall from the chain. For years the owner left the necklace as it was, for fear that the chain might not be able to support more beads.

Then one day the owner decided that another bead simular to the third would be added. This fifth bead and the prior hung close together sometimes sticking to sweaters but always pulling lose without damage.

Again years passed before the owner decided that the chain was strong enough to support another bead. The sixth bead was added to the chain and the fifth one pushed against it complaining that no one would notice how shiny it was with the sixth one next to it.

As the owner watched and cared for the necklace the decision was reached that a seventh bead could be supported by this strong chain and so it was that the seventh bead was added. The seventh bead was beautiful but humble.

The clasp and toggle had become worn and sometimes complained about the difficulty of holding on to the chain with the weight of the beads strung on it. Some of the beads began to tarnish, some more than others.

The necklace endured and with great consideration the owner decided that a final bead would be added. The bead complained that it should have been placed on a newer chain for the clasp and the toggle were old and it was new.

By now the first beads were thinking of finding new chains to support their weight but the chain held strong for quite some time. Over the years the owner looked at the chain wondering if it would continue to be able to support all the beads. The beads themself were beginning to wear. They had bumped against so many things and against each other on many occasions.

Then one day as the owner was proudly wearing the necklace the seventh bead broke free and was gone. The owner caught it up in his hand and placed it gently in his secret hiding place. The bead would never be able to hang next to the other beads again but it would be kept safe and honored in the owners secret place.

The other beads had a difficult time without the seventh bead. They could not find a way to feel comfortable with each other any longer. They each wondered what they might have done to keep the seventh bead from falling from the chain. They no longer felt comfortable rubbing next to the chain which had allowed the seventh bead to fall from them. The sixth and the eighth beads tried to find a comfortable place next to each other but never seemed to feel quite right without the seventh bead. The second bead became badly tarnished and the others complained about being seen with it.

The clasp and the toggle wanted desperately to keep the beads strung safely on the chain between them but with the seventh bead gone and the second one so badly tarnished the chain began to wear thin and eventually to break. The beads all went in different directions. The owner placed most of them on new chains and began to gradually add beads to these new chains.

The clasp and the toggle felt lonely and empty with the chain broken and so many of the beads gone. But the remaining pieces of chain explained to them that one day the owner will bring all the chains and all the beads together and place them in the secret place and the tarnished will be made new and the missing bead will be there waiting and a beautiful crown will be made from them and placed upon the owners head and they will be together until the end of time.

AUTHORS NOTE:

The clasp and and toggle are my parents and the chain their love. The eight beads represent myself and my siblings. I hope you know that the owner is GOD!

2002-08-06T13:40:00.000-05:00

Update to my life ...

Saturday mom & dad hosted a family reunion for dad's side of the family. I told mom earlier in the week that I was going to an auction out by her house that morning but that I would come by around lunch time and stay for awhile. I went to the auction and bought a cabinet for my kitchen and a lamp for my livingroom. I didn't have any food to take to mom's so we ate before we went. However, I did pack up a cooler full of soda's and took popcicles for the little kids. (It was sooo hot!) So anyway we (me and my son) got there about 12:30. Everyone was eating. The kids all loved the popcicles. Dad was nowhere to be found. Mom tells me that they got into an arguement that morning and Dad left and didn't come back. So here we are about 75 people from dad's side of the family having a family reunion at my parents house and dad isn't there. His sisters were a little PO'd. Who could blame them? Anyway I felt a little quilty for not being at mom's earlier or bringing food so I thought I'd make it up by staying late and helping clean up after. I did just that. My brother (the one in jail) had called and mom chatted with him. Dad didn't go there. Then Uncle Eldon called and she talked with him for quite a while. I finally took my son and started to head home. My older sister ask me to come over to her house and visit with her daughter and future son-in-law and I said I would bring "Shallow Hal" and come over. So my son and I left mom's about 6:30 p.m. and went to my older sister's house for the evening. We enjoyed visiting with my sister and neice for the evening and went home about 10:30 that evening. I was exhausted, between carrying the stuff in from the auction and being out in the heat all day, and dragging my aunt (& wheelchair) into mom's house and helping her to the bathroom, I could hardly move. I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.

About 1:00 a.m. I woke to someone yelling "mom". I looked at the clock and realized that it wasn't actually someone yelling mom it was probably just someone worried about dad wanting to check on mom, not a real voice at all. So I convinced myself that mom was asleep and shouldn't be woke up because a call at that hour (if dad wasn't home) would just scare the pants off of her. So I tried to go back to sleep. 45 minutes later I finally started to drift back off, just to hear someone yell "mom" again. Enough was enough, I knew that mom was awake and worrying about dad. That's why I kept hearing someone yell mom, right. So I picked up the phone and dialed mom's number. It rang once and she picked up. I told her that I knew she was awake. She said Dad still hadn't come in or called. I talked with her until about 4:00 a.m. and them we agreed that we should both get some sleep.

My husband came in from work at 7:30 a.m. (as usual) and I filled him in on what was going on. The phone rang and mom told me that she had started out to Uncle Eldons to get some grapes from him as we discussed during the previous nights phone call and she had met dad on the road and followed him back, dad was home.

Then the phone rang again. It was mom. Her brother Eldon had just had a heart attack and died on his front porch. She was distraught saying if she had gone to get the grapes she would have been there when it happened. I ask her if she wanted me to come out and she said that she was trying to reach all of my brothers and sisters. She had left a message for my older sister with someone at church and that my older sister would probably turn around and come right back when she got the news. She was going to call my older brother and tell him but she hadn't been able to get through to one of my little sisters. Mom called back and said she wanted to go to my Uncle's house but she still couldn't get hold of one of my sisters. I ask her if dad was going with her and told her I would keep trying my sisters number until I could get through and to let me know if there was anything else I could do. So I called my baby sister and made sure that she knew what was going on. I called my cousin on dad's side and ask him to pass the news to the relatives on that side of the family, that dad was home safely and that mom's brother had died. It took forever to get hold of my other younger sister. Eventually I did get through and I chatted with her husband for awhile. My older sister called me and said she was going to stay at church until after Sunday school. I told her I didn't think she should because mom had told me that she was sure that she would come rushing back. I thought that meant that mom was counting on her to be there with her. So she dropped her daughter off at my house, with me. I told her to call me when that came back from my uncle's and tell me what I needed to do and that I was going to run into town real quick and get some groceries because it was obvious that we would be spending the next couple of days at the funeral home. Since I was at the family reunion all day Saturday I hadn't gotten any groceries done for the week and unlike the rest of my family I work five days a week. I do groceries every week-end or starve for the week. So I took her daughter and my son and ran the errands that I needed to get done and returned home.

I called and called mom's number but it was busy every time I called. Finally my baby sister called me and said that mom & my older sister were leaving mom's house to go back to my uncle's with some food. I got off the phone and called mom's again, busy. So I jumped in the car and sped off to mom's hoping to catch them so that I too could go see my aunt. When I got to mom's they had been at her house cooking and preping food for who knows how long and they seemed to have an attitude about me showing up to go deliver their food. I would have happily donated food or labor to the cause, had they bothered to call me like I ask them to and tell me what was going on. I didn't say anything because I didn't want to go to my aunt's alone and I know my mom is having a rough time. Then we get in the car and my older sister proceeds to tell my mom how horrible she thought it was that "they" were going to make her go to her brothers with only my dad for support after how badly "he" had acted the day before.

OK, so she's the big hero because I told her to rush to mom's side while I contact siblings and babysat her kid? How did that happen? So they talk about how horrible it was that dad was the one with her when she went over that morning and here I am in the backseat feeling like dog shit stuck to someone's shoe and wondering how I could manage to be so wrong about everything.

We get to my aunt's and I continue to feel like the heel of a shoe. It sucks! Mom seems to fine. My cousin is doing well, all things considered. My aunt is holding up pretty well. Mom says she's ready to go so we load up and go back to mom's where my sister tells me she's headed to my house to pick up her daughter. Mom said she needed to sleep, because after all she hadn't slept much the night before. My sister says she is leaving before me and I can eat her dust all the way home, thinking it's cute. It would be cute except that she has an air conditioned car and her windows are up, while I have no air and it's 110 degrees in the shade so my windows will be down. I will be literally eating her dirt all the way home. We get to my house and she goes in and sits next to my husband on the loveseat and stays there. Somehow the plan that we will all go to her house and watch TV with her for the evening gets cooked up. She takes her daughter and heads home. I tell my husband that I spent the entire day yesterday with my family and I really don't feel like spending tonight there too. He says fine and I call her to cancel. I ask her if it will hurt her feelings if I cancel, she says sarcasticly that it will just devistate her. All I could think was why were you pushing so hard for us to come over a minute ago if you really didn't want us there? Anyway I get off the phone happy to be home for the evening. My husband makes me dinner and rents a couple of movies and we start watching one. It just happens that I've seen it before, not a big deal because my baby sister calls and I end up spending the evening talking to her instead. I told her how shitty the whole day had been. She told me that mom started the fight with dad Saturday and that mom and our oldest sister had been real crappy to her when she called mom's to see if she could help with anything today too. I told her to ignore my crabbiness because I hadn't had enough sleep. That's when she tells me that mom told her that she had stayed up all night comforting me because I had a bad dream and was really worried about dad. What? She comforted me? I wasn't worried about dad, I was worried about her. Not only was our older sister the big hero for showing up after I told her to but now mom stayed up the whole night before comforting ME! Is reality even a part of their lives?????? So anyway this just did me in. I can't take much more. That was Sunday.

Monday I go to work, depressed! I eat pretzels for lunch and go home starving as usual. I barely get in the door and my older sister calls to tell me that mom wants everyone at her house for birthday cake and ice-cream for dad's birthday at 5:30. That is 1/2 hour from now! I haven't eaten all day, I just walked in from work and Cake and Ice-cream for the guy who skipped out on the big party Saturday is mandated for 30 minutes from now? I don't think so!!!!!!!!! I told her I was grouchy and I wasn't going to rush over to mom's for a Birthday party for my father who threw a fit and disappeared all day Saturday which was when we were going to do his birthday and further more if I didn't get off the phone I would be griping about her in two minutes time as well. I guess they got the message. No one called me back.

Well, my baby sister called late in the evening to tell me that she had been cleaning her house all day and that I should stop by and see how much she had gotten done. I didn't talk to her, my son did. I'll probably stop by there today.

So my older sister called me at work this morning to tell me visitation is at 6:00. I told her I'd be there.

I don't want to go. It's in the same funeral home that my little sister was in after she killed herself. SUCKS!!!!!

2002-08-01T13:26:00.000-05:00

Hi all! I haven't written much lately. I don't know what the deal is, I just can't seem to make myself blog or email anyone lately. Work is S.O.S. My daughter will be coming back home for her Senior year of high school soon. I have missed her so bad all summer. It is going to be so hard to let go of her. I know she's a responsible kid and will be fine but what about me? It's been so quiet with her gone. Her little brother even admits that it's quiet and lonely without her around. One more school year and then I guess we'll adjust. I keep hoping she'll change her mind and go to college somewhere close to home. It's really scary. She really hates living here in rural America and I'm afraid that if she has problems and needs to come home she won't tell me because she doesn't want to come back to here. Beth didn't want to come back and she didn't tell us when things got bad and I never got the chance to try to help. Please God, if she needs help let her at least call and ask for help!!!!

2002-07-24T16:18:00.000-05:00

On the highway that I drive to and from work every day there is a little patch of grass growing. Not on the side but right in the middle of the West bound lane. I was thinking about that little clump of grass this morning. It's not unlike a lot of people. A bird probably dropped a seed there while flying over. Many of our lives started with some very non-impressive crap as well. This seed somehow managed to wiggle itself into a position that allowed it to get sun, water and take root. People raised in the most destructive of families somehow manage to survive and set down roots of their own. The funny thing is that this little clump of grass is so uplifting. It drops from bird crap lands in the worse place and not only grows roots but survives the heat coming down on the black asphalt, the cars driving over it at 60 miles per hour, and the pouring rain running full force across the little crevice in which it grows. It grows!!!! Not only does it grow but it lives. If it only lives until tomorrow it has outlived many other seeds which fell on much better ground. If it lives until the fall it will have made a life, a full life, right there in the middle of all of the difficulties of that asphalt home. It will probably even make seed, which will probably blow to the side of the highway and florish and it's genetics will carry on for maybe even thousands of years to come. If that seed can make a life right there in the middle of my lane with my car driving over it daily along with who knows how many other cars, then I can make a life where I am and you can make a life where you are. Isn't that uplifting!!!!

2002-07-24T08:47:00.000-05:00

Vacation is over and I'm back to work. Although I was sick pretty much the whole week of vacation I really enjoyed seeing my family. I only hope I didn't polute any of them. Everyone got along pretty well. We do all love each other! I always wonder when my brother goes back to Virginia if he is glad that he came in or sorry that he spent all that money for a few uncomfortable days here in our family. I hope that he goes home content because he knows we all love him and miss him when he's gone and that although we are slightly nuts we do come together and hold each other up when necessary. That's what family is isn't it?

2002-07-10T12:53:00.000-05:00

Mom bought him some property. It's thirty miles away or so I guess that's good enough. I don't have time to worry about things that might happen three or more years from now so I'm letting it go. All of it!

Vacation is only three days away. I get to see my brother thats four years older than me and my sister thats five years younger than me, yippee! I rarely get to see them. I wonder sometimes if they miss me as much as I miss them. We have a large family but these are the siblings closest to my age. They know me, good and bad and they love me anyway! Cool huh!?! Do they realize how much I care about them. We don't write or call much but it would kill me if anything happened to them. Don't get me wrong I love my other siblings just as much, but we see each other regularly. We vent to each other and we are still a part of one anothers lives, so we're more likely to get on each others nerves than to miss each other.

2002-06-27T16:28:00.000-05:00

Mom is looking for property for my child molester brother. I'm told she's looking in the same area that I work in. It really ticks me off and I'm sure she knows it. She has barely spoken to me for weeks now. I only know because other siblings have informed me. At first I was really ticked off at her and thought I would go explode in a big emotional mess all over her, just to make my point. But then I began to think, "what is my point?". I spend a lot of time trying to figure out how I feel about things and how best to deal with them. I want to talk to my parents but everything I would say, would hurt them. I think they know it or they'd be more interested in trying to talk to me. I really don't want to hurt them but how do I communicate my feelings without hurting them? Expressing myself doesn't seem to change anything anyway. Why explain something that won't get results and will cause pain? That's where I always end up. So, I don't talk much and they don't listen much and life goes on without us communicating.

I wrote this whole thing about how my brother is like a virus that no one wants responsibility for. Like the plague sealed in a test tube. No one wants it. Everyone is scared of it. The only people willing to take it would allow it to spread itself on the unknowing public.

My parents don't understand that I can love him for who I thought he was and still not want him involved in my life. I don't care what they say, God will not be angry with me for living in reality. He is a danger to children, all children. Don't they think they are responsible for all those unknowing children that he would screw up if set free? I can't walk around looking at my neighbors kids playing in the yards without thinking that if he were free he would screw up their lives too. My parents want to think this was a minor incident that only happened to one person. Not true! They chose to believe him because they want to believe him. It is easier, like it was always easier to not deal with it. Maybe if they would have dealt with these things when we were children he wouldn't be so messed up now. I too am guilty for wishing he wasn't what I knew he was. I let him spend many nights at my house. My kids probably know him as well as any family member. I protected them as much as possible and yet I allowed him to be a part of their lives. What was I thinking, protecting others at the risk of my own? I wanted him to prove my suspicions wrong. He didn't!

2002-06-21T08:12:00.000-05:00

My moods have been weird this week. I watched The Others and The Mothman Prophecies. Movies about ghosts or whatever you wish to call them, blow my mind these days. The Others moves kind of slow but it has a real interesting twist. I don't think things work like they did in the movie but then who knows. Maybe some of us leave things in this life so screwed up that we either think we can hang around and fix them or maybe other people trap our spirits here somehow by now being able to let go of us. I worried about that when Beth died. You know many religious people think that you are condemned to hell for killing yourself. I am a Christian but the God that I know isn't unforgiving or lacking in understanding. I missed her so much after she died, I prayed to see her just one more time, to know that she was O.K. I saw fairies or at least that is the closest I could describe to you. I heard my consious mind say "Fairies aren't real" then I heard God (I think) say "You don't know everything, and you are not supposed to". At that point my husband leaped off of the bed and said "did you see that"? I asked him what. He says he saw a small brilliant green light moving quickly around the room. I think he saw it to confirm to me that my experience was real. It scared the hell out of him! Anyway, The Mothman Prophecies was in some ways very simular to my experience. It was quite a mood changer for me. I'm not sure if I liked it or not.

2002-06-12T09:14:00.000-05:00

Still havn't talked to anyone but Mandy about bloging in my blog and she has her own anyway.

Why is it that days seem to have a theme? Today I was driving to work listening to Joyce Meyers preach over my radio. She was preaching about how we try to take things into our own hands instead of letting God handle them, specifically changing people. It was very interesting to hear her say the very things that I have been working on in myself. The general idea is that each of us is different. There is probably no one that you wouldn't change in some way if you could. Some are to ...

fat / thin
loud / quiet
outspoken / shy
too much of a loner / too much of a partier
career orintated / homebody
lazy / busy
disorganized / organized

...you name it no matter what you are it gets on somebody else's nerves at least some of the time.

Now picture us all changing people to be what we wanted them to be. Would you make me fatter, quieter, less outspoken? Maybe I would make you thinner, louder, and more outspoken. Then what would other people be trying to make us? We would be pulled in fifty directions all the time.

So .... we accept the people in our lives, as they are. We pray for God to change whatever he may see fit to change and we pray that we will improve daily.

Back to days having theme's ...

When I get to work I always check her blog to see if she has written. Today she writes about the heartbreak of having a "friend" tell you they need some distance. It's all the same, the friend just needs a break for awhile. It's no reflection on her, maybe they are stressed, maybe they are scared of the relationship right now. Whatever the reason, you can't change them, only tell them you'll be there if they ever what to talk and go on with your life for the time being. Don't try to bend yourself to others wishes either. Listen to God about what changes you need to make, only he knows what is best for you!

LOL
Trish

2002-06-07T08:27:00.000-05:00

No time to blog this week. I had to actually work while I was at work. It was a very nice change. I am a need to be needed kind of person, even though I get a little tired of it every once in a while and blow off steam.

Anyway my neice said I could share her dream so here goes....

"I had a strange dream about Beth the other night. The saturday before memorial day. You, me, mom, mandy/melissa (couldn't tell which it was) and beth were all sitting on grandma's porch. Except it was screened in like my porch. I noticed something was wrong but at first couldn't put my finger on it. We all got up to go in to eat (i think) and i figured out what it was. I held you back for a moment while everyone else went in, looked you in the eye and knew you knew that Beth didn't belong there either, that she was dead. We went in and then Beth pulled me aside into her room. I kept gettin the feeling she didn't want me to memtion it to anyone else... to not make them notice and remember. I remember we ended up playing cards and then I woke up.

It disturbed me so much I woke up. Usually my Beth dreams are happy and peaceful.

Oh well, Love you!"

2002-06-03T15:39:00.000-05:00

OK, so I'm better now. My brother-in-law sent me a very nice e-mail and said he was sorry if he came off as scolding me. Made me feel real guilty for "b-ing" like that!! Maybe I just needed to get some of this garbage off my chest. Is he as angry about his life being screwed up as I am? My husband was telling me over the week-end that I should put into my blog how he felt about my sister killing herself. I think it helped me to understand my brother-in-law a little better. My husband said he didn't really like my sister very well because she always shut herself off from him. (Depression of course does that.) Then after trying so hard to be a part of her life, she killed herself. He resents her causing all this trauma in his life. His wife and kids are confused and hurting. He's been a very good sounding board by the way. The first week after she died he would just hold me and rock me like a baby while I cried. I don't know if I could have been as supportive of him, if it had been reversed. The in-laws he thought he married into have ceased to exist. There is so much for him to deal with. I guess in some ways it sounds selfish, and maybe it is, but then he's allowed to question why he has to go through all this for nothing, isn't he? I guess it's the same for my brother-in-law isn't it?!

Also ...
I told some of my family about my blog. It kinda makes me nervous because I'm afraid they'll expect me to watch what I say and that would totally defeat the purpose of having the blog. I'm thinking of letting the whole family blog into my blog with the same sign in name. That way we can all communicate our feelings without telling which one of us it is. I'll check tonight and see if they are interested. My younger sister started a blog of her own as soon as she saw mine.

2002-05-31T11:50:00.000-05:00

I got an e-mail from my brother-in-law. He never e-mails me, NEVER! So apparently either I accidently forwarded some garbage to him or it forwarded itself to all my addresses but anyway it wasn't the type of thing I normally forward. Not to mention, I hardly send them anything anyway because they never respond. Anyway he e-mails me some crap back to educate me on how the thing was a hoax. I hate it when people talk down to me! I don't care if he does have his doctorate and I'm not even sure how to spell doctorate, he still doesn't have the right to talk down to me! So, I probably really ticked him off 'cause I e-mailed him back and told him it was cruel to have their address show up if all he had to say was what a piece of crap I sent him. Why bother responding at all? Dump it and go on with your bad self! Ok I'm done venting.

No I'm not!

He's married to my sister who won't come around or call anymore because our other sister killed herself and one of our brothers is a child molester! Like it's my fault that one suffered from depression and the other one is a mental case that deserves to be shot. Why do I lose my family because one sibling of seven is totally screwed up in the head! I know he's a jerk! Ok, not always a jerk, just to little girls who's lives are eternally screwed up after knowing him. To everyone else he's the best friend you could have. That of course doesn't make it better! Anyway what right does my brother-in-law have to sit in judgement of me just because of him? Maybe he thinks that we're all messed up if one of us is. If that's the case why did he marry my sister. After all, she is one of US! He can give her back to me any time he wants! Do I sound angry? Well, I guess I am. First I lose one sister to suicide. Then I lose a brother to some mental hangup that makes me want to shoot him myself. Then my whole family starts coming apart at the seams! I have to lose it all because of them? What's fair about that?

I guess the saying is true .... LIFE IS NOT FAIR!!

2002-05-30T14:21:00.000-05:00

My seventeen year old daughter took a job 300 miles away from home while she's spending the summer with her grandma. Scary! I was only 3 months older than her when I went away from home and started my first real job, that makes it that much scarier! (scarier?) I hope she doesn't want to stay when school starts back. I don't think I could handle that just yet. I was already tripping over her graduating from HS next year.
She's a very responsible and smart kid but the world is such a difficult place to live. I know I have to let her jump off the limb and try her wings. B.....U.....T.....

My sister went away to college and I hardly saw her the whole time. Then ... she was gone, forever.

I know my daughter doesn't have depression problems but I still get scared. I have to stop and remind myself that God saved her life once before and he didn't do keep her on this planet for nothing. God will take care of her, I'm sure!

2002-05-29T10:26:00.000-05:00

My blog friend was blogging about her cousin who is an addict and cuts. As much as I have adjusted to dealing with people with clinical depression, I still can't quite wrap my mind around cutting. My youngest sister started that crap after my other sister killed herself. I just don't get it! What purpose? Don't tell me there is not a purpose, everything we do, we do for some reason. In her case I think it was guilt. I know I was feeling guilty. She must have been angry at herself for not having stopped the suicide somehow. Maybe the cousin of my blogger friend hates herself for being an addict. I guess our emotions are sometimes stronger than our will to survive. The real question remains, how do you help an addict who cuts?

2002-05-28T11:45:00.000-05:00

Words from a song ...
Most of us are sad. No one lets it show. I've seen shadows of myself, how was I to know.
Weeping woman try to smile, like the coming dawn. Most of us are sad it's true. Still we must go ooooonnnnnn. Tell me star, moon, sun what will final now. We have brought our children here. Who can save them now.

2002-05-24T13:18:00.000-05:00

My sister was beautiful. I guess she wasn't told that very often. Most people immediately associated her as a little over weight. It must be tragic to be round faced from the day you are born. Why do we think women should be a six or smaller to be beautiful. She WAS beautiful!!!! She had big blue eyes. Light brown hair. Freckles. Not the big dark kind. Soft light freckles and lots of them!

2002-05-23T16:23:00.000-05:00

I was emailing an old friend from my childhood. I had to tell her about all my 7 siblings and where they are now. It's sucks to have to keep telling people "my sister killed herself". I began to think about the old days. You know my family was just as crazy then, but it didn't seem to bother me so much. Why is it that kids don't care if their family is crazy, only teenagers and adults care about such things.

We used to all pile into the old station wagon and sing all the way to church and back. We thought it was the best time. Life was simple! Sing loud! Who cared if people thought we were good or not!!! The thought never even crossed our minds! We were poor people with big families and we knew how to find fun where we could get it.

So we grow up don't we. What do we get for it? Bills, Jobs, Yards to mow, Houses to clean, Groceries to buy and check books to balance. Why do we rush so much to get to this?

I miss her you know! I wonder what things would be like if she hadn't died.

2002-05-23T10:00:00.000-05:00

I'm just figuring this out, so please be patient with me! I titled my page suicide survivor because I lost one of my four sisters to suicide 3 years ago. It has been a long recovery process. If there is such a thing as recovery from suicide!
Anyway, I'd love to share experiences with anyone out there who might want to talk!